希望自由不會離我們的日子太遠
可以揮開束縛
可以駕馭恐懼
然後美好的事情仍舊觸手可及

預售

一大清早甘同學告訴我今天九時正開始綺貞演場會預售。毫不猶豫地給了我她東亞咭的資料，然後我就邊塞車邊努力嘗試進入售票網站。大概按了70次refresh之後開始有點沮喪，根據過往經驗，也許十點過後才進得了網站。又不好意思在寂靜無聲的車廂裡打購票熱線，如果真的打通了，不就所有乘客都會知道甘同學的信用咭號碼。等了又等，refresh完再refresh，過了東隧那一段路，交通怎麼那麼慢，網絡怎麼那麼慢。那個buffering的小圓圈，還是如此無耐地轉動和停頓，就如那週而復始沒有終點的tender圖，多沒趣。再嘗試多幾次吧，一次refresh，兩次refresh，無聊死了，閉目養神十分鐘。再再嘗試多幾次吧，refresh.. refresh.. refresh.. refresh.. yee.. heyyy.. huh.. ?!?!?... 這次版面有點不一樣。yee.. heyyy.. huh.. ?!?!?... what i got in the page!!! 鎮定，鎮定!!! 輸入資料，但確實太神奇太幸運好想尖叫。甘同學電話幾號，填自己的無所謂吧。三張480蚊，OKOK!! 壓抑興奮的心情令人雙手不協調，打幾行字頓時變得好困難，心想iphone熒幕真的好小噢。還要填什麼，地址，東亞咭number... 無意間抬頭一看，驚覺巴士經過PP，下個站就要下車了，快填快填，衝刺衝刺，按完成。下車那一剎那，我覺得好醒神，好滿足，今早不需要咖啡了，I'm naturally high.

nearly christmas

其實做天製線
Before I Die
小木屋 etc...
都是為了有一天
可以回到越後妻有
在我們喜歡的地方
完成一件夢寐以求的事

and thou its been a while already, the fact that we missed it, still really really bothers me.

--------------

差一點點就轉了工
但現在稍稍推遲
倒數293日

(for real!)

--------------

2013-12-21
世界還沒有末日一週年
而這一年裡
最好的時光是
熱騰騰的早餐
擁抱和當我們hea在一起

覺得太多資訊來不及吸收
也許真的能力所限或不夠努力
疲乏又必須完成
現在沒方向亂寫
明天可不可以不要來
我想冬眠

「擺在眼前的是不喜歡的現狀，不喜歡就求變，不知道怎樣變，變了再說，變了不喜歡再變，這是我的人生態度之一。」

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八字真言：「靂霹手段，菩薩心腸」

新地方有好朋友，舊同學。

有不懂的事，正是我所需要的養份。

----------

2013, definitely a year of change. 

八爪魚

我是八爪魚？有嗎？
還自以為很灑脫。
但看到某些照片還是好懊惱。

露天花園沒有植物，
遙望一片密密麻麻的繁華，
假若現在我把心底最底的告訴你，
會不會嚇怕你。

不過其實，最怕嚇親自己。

友人啊友人，
說過那麼多，看到什麼蛛絲馬跡，
大膽假設小心求證後...
你應該明白，
這八爪魚兩三隻傷痕累累，
只因為八爪魚從來也不是戲子，
一切都是真的情感。

忐忑

白色的一頁一頁，其實一點也記不起來究竟做了些什麼。翻着這本騎呢書，預備星期一的事。上次做同一件事是五月尾，想起就會淡淡的難過。那天可不可以速戰速決，然後繼續好好過日子，一小段好日子。看山嬉水，離開城市，去找那本梁思成的書。水面波紋柔柔，海深不見底，慢慢沉沒你不知道的事。看了《幸福洋菓子》，有蒼井優和很多精美的甜品。關於食物的電影都異常吸引人，好像一邊看一邊有香味飄過來。這世上最好吃的蛋糕，是 lemon ricotta cake， 暖lup lup, 無可置疑。

departure

最後一次見到你的路口
我現在才明白那原來是一條河
或是一道地層下陷
從那裡開始時間有了不同的轉速
我們再也不站在同一個地面

---《給冥王星》

來去

又回來了

十二個月內來回香港台北六次有夠 (XX) 吧

沒有字可以形容至少我想不出來

這城市再不是個旅遊的地方

而是另一個倫敦，另一個牛津，另一個愛丁堡

但還是很想去旅行

新加坡曼谷紐西蘭秘魯阿根廷

並不是想看什麼

只是在過程中需要被滋養

sometimes you must go...

all the way around the world... 

just to find yourself. 

but what a pity..
到不了。
應該到不了。

songs of the night

weirdos

織織復織織. the weaving project stopped for one day. when the body and mind decided to reconcile and get healed. lets go and see something delightful. iced coffee was good, unar.. unar.. haa it actually felt like at war. something is lost. feeling shattered. picking up pieces of me out of everywhere. anywhere. keep reading, until whole again.. or maybe a cup of hot tea. yes, tea always help.

"That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong."
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

keep on

wow. today is 2nd of april. 18 more days.

and i will possibly keep doing this count down for 18 more times.

today, i am blogging this with a heavy head and running nose.

hopefully will get better very, very soon.

-----------

the idea of finally finishing is actually very exciting.

though for now, its nothing but such a chore.

and to be very blunt, what have i learnt after these 5 years?

some softwares, get to know some big names and "good architecture"?, structures (???)

i guess the most certain of all, is that i have got to know how incapable i am, and slowly start to accept that i am not good at it (at all).

引證自己能力上嘅不及, it feels a bit sad, especially when at first i thought we (me & architecture, lol) would work out but turned out we didnt. but then, its actually, also, a very natural thing.

-----------

work! work! work!

the imponderable joy of

being alone.

-----------------

已經很多個星期
改一改再畫再改erase再重來
好像可以嘔出來了然後卻嘔不出來
好沮喪
什至覺得苦
（然後上班族們會說，你要珍惜這些日子。）
啊。哦。

我還沒有畫出來
還有一個半月

但其實畫是最基本的
還有很多model
和那些很色彩繽紛的rendering

當然我相信我並不是唯一一個感覺沮喪的
而這也不是第一次如此沮喪
是啊力不從心
再意志消沉被磨滅的心也必要交貨

f...

a note from a stranger

murakami haruki said we have rooms in ourselves

some we still havent visited

and i guess maybe

some we have them deliberately locked too

got a note from a stranger today

the message isnt something particularly thought-provoking

its just not meant to be

but to see the handwriting.. the strokes..

evokes a lot of emotion and imagination

and these locked doors open again

those handwritten notes / codes

hidden among library books

in pencil cases and drawers..

unfold

i thought i have already forgotten

but somehow they are still here, within.

無力

你不說我都明白

這些，那些，種種，所有

要怎樣才可以令我們快樂

這距離

好疲累

three things about today

今天很晏才起床

下星期一interim

本應該死守在studio的

但結果去了看期待已久的the king's speech

簡單的故事和總是討好的英式對答

演員們的好演技是predictable的

卻沒有預料到電影滲透着快樂和希望的感覺

還有actually believable的人情味

--------

吃了一碗昨晚剩下來的燕窩

(十年都不會吃一次!!!)

坐在沙發上

不斷地翻旅遊雜誌

開始很認真地想

關於五月的事

--------

沒有過去

沒有將來

只有現在

和點點哀愁

----------

四年的濃縮

四年的摧殘

i feel so old now.

i honestly do.

one week

so i am back. finally. unpacked. getting use to the rain and the rare snow. the room is a nice rectangular shape, came with a huge wardrobe, two full size working tables and a full mirror :) im glad. for the last 6 months in this city, i can finally have a decent bedroom but not a dungeon nor a single glazed living room. gut (the big bear) has no sofa for his own this year and is now sitting on my bed. probably coz he has been squeezed into a laundry bag for the last 10 months, his limbs are kinda distorted, so as his head, always at a 'dozing off' state. he aged. lol. and i tried so hard to find my camper slipper among all those carton boxes but nowhere to be seen. where has it gone? and besides, theres no microwave in the kitchen! fatal! so resolved to serious cooking routine. big feast with ex flatmates, risotto and lemon meringue :) sweet, very sweet but as i like to put it, sweetness is a not a taste but a state of mind. it has been a good week, and today a good sunday though edinburgh is as grey as ever.

last few hours in hong kong

okay i pretty much finished packing, everything fitting into the luggage ready to go except my self. it might be the first time i am that reluctant to leave. for obvious reasons, that the coming months will be hectic. i am sure i will get frustrated from time to time but pheebs and i have already made an agreement, we would do everything to make ourselves (and for each other) to stay positive and carry on. is it really going to be that bad? we dont know but theres not much to expect, especially when we are aware of how we have changed in this placement year, our attitude towards what was once our belief. and also realising, theres not much people that i could genuinely talk to back in this place. the try-to-put-more-effort-into-my-social-circle phase has expired for my uni years, and my hopes for this city have already exhausted. but probably thats what contribute to my current state, that i am so clear about what should i do, and how should i do them accordingly. its all quite strategic. theres a whole bunch of things that i could simply ignore and no longer need to feel sorry for, and a whole bunch of things that i have to put my mind into and prioritise. yes it is that simple. it is not the usual me but it seems to be the only way to be productive and stay mentally healthy for this last semester. so lets see. its a promise to myself. phew.